Zheng Xianwen listened quietly, hoping He Chuan Zhou would say more. However, after just a few sentences, his eyes glazed over, and his attention drifted elsewhere.
The last time Zheng Jinmei saw him was during a prison visit.
As soon as she arrived, she started, as usual, nagging him about his impulsiveness and instability, urging him to reform and find a stable job upon release.
Zheng Xianwen had endless patience for others but barely any for Zheng Jinmei.
He sat across from her with his head down, not even glancing at her face, tapping his fingers irritably on the table. Before long, he turned to the prison guard and asked, "Is the time up yet?"
This scene clearly pained Zheng Jinmei, who swallowed her remaining words. She smoothed her hair behind her ears, thought for a moment, and realized she couldn't get any positive acknowledgment from her son except through silence.
"I am your mother," Zheng Jinmei asked hoarsely, "Why do you hate me so much?"
They seemed to be natural enemies.
Her tears couldn't evoke empathy, and her care and sincerity couldn't win his tolerance.
No matter how nicely or gently she spoke, Zheng Xianwen wouldn't appreciate it.
Zheng Jinmei asked, "Why do you always think so highly of Han Songshan?"
"I don't think he's that great," Zheng Xianwen shrugged. "He probably doesn't think I'm worth much either. Otherwise, why would he set me up?"
Zheng Jinmei couldn't help but say, "If you know he set you up, stay away from him."
Zheng Xianwen found her words extremely grating. "You should stay away from him. Stop trying to extort him!"
Zheng Jinmei's eyes widened, unable to believe what she heard. She almost stood up, clutching her chest, and said, "What have I ever extorted from him? I raised you on my own. If I wanted to extort him, would I live such a hard life? And why would Han Songshan, that shameless man, be afraid of extortion? Does he even care about having a son like you?"
Zheng Xianwen leaned back, covering his ears, signaling his strong resistance.
Zheng Jinmei, feeling deeply hurt, slammed the table and cried out, "The person who got you jailed was him, and you still speak for him! You used to be normal! Now, all you care about is money! You've lost your conscience for money and even broke the law! Do you know how pitiful the people you deceived are?"
Seeing her like this made Zheng Xianwen furious too. He shouted, "What do you mean by deceiving? I didn't deceive anyone! Weren't they greedy themselves? I'm telling you, human nature is the same for everyone! Everyone is equally despicable, and failure is the real disgrace! But you always blame others!"
The prison guard came over to intervene. "Calm down, both of you."
Zheng Jinmei gasped for breath, her voice muffled as she said, "Then tell me, what did I do wrong?"
Zheng Xianwen shook off the guard's hand and sneered coldly, "You always went to him for help. Do you know the Jiang sisters? You even asked my dad to get random people on the street jobs. If I were him, I'd think you were extorting too!"
"You think you're so good, but have you ever helped me? Not once! All you do is say I'm wrong about everything! Are you satisfied?"
With that, he stood up and stormed off.
Zheng Jinmei stood there, stunned, her eyes blank with disbelief. She muttered to herself a few times before finally dragging her heavy steps outside. At the door, she hesitated, looking back. Confirming Zheng Xianwen didn't turn around, she started crying again.
It was many days later when Zheng Xianwen received the news of Zheng Jinmei's death. He never thought that strong woman would commit suicide.
She had always been humble, always downtrodden, seemingly on the brink of collapse in the face of hardship.
But she was also strong and resilient, never defeated by illness or poverty.
When Zheng Xianwen heard the news, his first reaction was disbelief. For a long time after, he remained in a daze, feeling empty and lost.
The person he didn't want to see started appearing in his dreams and in conversations with the guards. Zheng Jinmei's shadow lingered everywhere.
However, no one mentioned her name again. Zheng Jinmei disappeared completely.
And no one came to visit him anymore.
Walking out of the prison gate alone, he suddenly realized he had no family left. His last meeting with Zheng Jinmei was so absurd.
He Chuan Zhou spoke a few more sentences, seeing he wasn't really listening, and then stopped talking altogether.
The dead are gone, and revealing their past hardships won't evoke pity from anyone.
Zheng Xianwen came back to his senses, his eyes shifting as he looked at her and said, "Is that so..."
He pulled at his mouth, giving a faint smile. "How tragic, not a single friend left."
He Chuan Zhou scoffed. "You're really filial."
Zheng Xianwen didn't mind her sarcasm and said slowly, "She mentioned you several times, so I remember you well. She always said you were a good person, the only one who knew her past and was still willing to help her."
He Chuan Zhou had given her a number and offered some comforting words by the window. Zheng Jinmei remembered this for years.
Though He Chuan Zhou hadn't done anything for her, she became a spiritual support for the lonely woman, one of the few things she could talk about without reservation.
This made Zheng Jinmei seem both pitiable and kind.
Unfortunately, He Chuan Zhou couldn't help her in the end.
He Chuan Zhou always thought of their encounter as fleeting. Upon learning this, she felt inexplicably sad.
The thought that perhaps if she had been less harsh, Zheng Jinmei might not have taken her own life, weighed on her for years.
At this moment, the thought became even more intense.
Her eyes flickered, her throat dry, tasting a vague bitterness as she lifted her chin, assuming a colder demeanor, and asked directly, "Zheng Xianwen, did you kill Han Songshan?"
"I did," Zheng Xianwen replied quickly. "Can we talk about something else first?"
He Chuan Zhou asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
Zheng Xianwen was silent for a moment, then shook his head in confusion.
"I don't know. Since my mom died, I don't think I'm quite right. I can't cry, and I can't pinpoint my pain. When she left, it felt like she had never existed. Only you still remember her."
Zheng Xianwen sincerely asked, "Why do you think she committed suicide?"
He Chuan Zhou didn't answer, locking eyes with him, suppressing her anger as she countered, "Do you really not know?"
Zheng Jinmei's life was filled with desolation and irony.
She was an immature child, dropping out to help with household chores.
She was an immature adult, easily deceived by Han Songshan, abandoned after getting pregnant.
She raised her son alone, only to face an even harsher life.
She wasn't smart, always missing the right choices. She wasn't lucky, meeting unkind people.
Her death, in the face of Zheng Xianwen's indifference, seemed like a man-made tragedy. The coldness inherited from father to son and her own lack of detachment.
He Chuan Zhou thought that Zheng Jinmei's death wasn't due to pesticide, but despair.
"I've always wondered why she committed suicide after seeing me that day. Were my words really that cruel?"
Zheng Xianwen tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling.
“Yes,” he answered his own question, “I deserve to die.”